Court allows men’s entry into kitchen, women throughout India celebrate

After a landmark judgment allowing women’s entry into Haji Ali, a High Court today gave another historic verdict, ruling men in the country should enter kitchen more often, discarding all the social norms.

“Men, get your act together. Get inside the kitchen and prove that you’re not lazy bums,” the court ruled in its strongly-worded judgment.

The verdict comes in the wake of a petition filed by a women’s activist group who claimed that many men refused to enter into the kitchen, citing many taboos.

The activists claim this verdict is a victory for gender equality in the country and now husbands need not hesitate to enter kitchens.

“We always knew men want to help us in the kitchen. But somehow they couldn’t because the society wouldn’t approve their entry inside. But this verdict opens the doors of kitchen for men. We now wait for men to unleash the inner cooking genius,” the women’s group told reporters.

While the women throughout the country hailed the court’s verdict, men had some doubts over its feasibility.

“See, it’s not that I don’t want to cook,” said a 35-year-old husband. “It’s just that my wife is a brilliant cook and I love her variety dishes. If she stops making food, I will be denied great food, which is my fundamental right!”

Another husband who has been married for over 20 years said this will turn his life upside down. “I mean, first I will have to figure out where the kitchen is in our house,” said the worried man.

It was not as if the verdict was welcomed by all the women in the country. There were some, like Shweta, who had genuine concerns over the impact of this ruling.

Shweta told our reporter, “It’s good to see court swinging into action but I am not sure if my husband getting into the kitchen will be a good sight to watch.”

“The last time he made a roti for me, it turned out to be more like a big round chewing gum that somehow wouldn’t find its way into the stomach.”

While many men are planning to fight the case in the Supreme Court, women have already made elaborate plans to enjoy their evenings as their better halves deal with stoves, cooking pans and spices.

A very excited Sheetal told reporters the sight of her husband cutting onions and peeling potatoes makes him appear very romantic.

“Have you ever heard the phrase – ‘the way to a woman’s heart is through her kitchen’?” asked Sheetal as her husband grappled with the pressure cooker.

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Please treat my RSS remark as one of those which people ignore: Rahul Gandhi tells Supreme Court

Facing defamation charges for saying the RSS killed Mahatma Gandhi, the Congress vice president Rahul Gandhi persuaded the Supreme Court to drop the charges as his remark was “one of those which people generally ignore”.

In an emotional tone, Rahul pleaded that at times he says stuff that no one takes seriously. Then why this case was pursued with such fervour in the highest court of the land, he asked.

“Sometimes, I just say things…don’t take them all seriously,” Rahul told the apex court.

The Congress VP reminded the judge of all the things he said in the past but hardly anyone in the country had noticed.

“I once called India a beehive. Do you remember my lord?” asked Rahul. “No one cared two hoots about that. Actually, it had a lot of depth if you think about it…anyways you get my point, right?”

The judge replied, “Wait, you lost me there for a moment. So India is a beehive?”

“No, my lord. I mean, yes my lord…wait, don’t take my point seriously, my lord!”

“Which point?”

“The point about my points.”

“Uff! This is way too confusing. The court is adjourned till the next hearing.”

Legal experts felt Rahul may be cleared in the case now that he cited some of his earlier incomprehensible comments. Rahul’s lawyer Kapil Sibal too looked confident of the case getting quashed.

According to Sibal, reciting the past questionable comments to prove innocence in the present comments case may ultimately give Rahul a ‘zero loss’ advantage, legally.

“He has nothing to lose now,” a beaming Sibal told reporters, flashing a V-sign.

When asked if it was time for Rahul to be elevated as the Congress President, Sibal flashed a V-sign again.

Political experts say the ‘V’ in the second V-sign may be tricky as it could have meant ‘vice president’, i.e. the party wants Rahul to continue as the vice president and not become its president.

Rahul was later asked by reporters which of his comments in future should be taken seriously.

To which he replied, “It’s simple. Whenever I roll up my sleeves during speeches and start a sentence with bhaiyya, understand that I am being serious.”

PV Sindhu faints during marathon celebrations, says should have practised for grand welcome too

India’s Olympic hero PV Sindhu who returned home after the just-concluded Rio Games left everyone shocked as she fainted on top of the bus during a victory parade in Hyderabad.

Sindhu who recovered minutes later said the unexpected marathon celebrations during the grand welcome given to her left her unconscious.

“I normally prepare well for any event but never expected this. I thought after winning a medal in the Olympics, the response at home as usual would be worth two paise. But this welcome is sensational and tiring!” exclaimed Sindhu.

The ace badminton player admitted if she was made aware of the marathon celebrations in advance, she would have practised for that too.

“After all, it’s badminton in India we’re talking about. Not cricket, wherein any success is deemed fit for extravagant celebrations.” She added.

It was not just the royal treatment that puzzled Sindhu but also the sight of ocean of humanity that turned out to greet her.

“Hey you, sir. Why are you here?” the curious Olympic silver medallist asked a bystander in public.

“What’s your problem, lady? We’re here to cheer PV Sindhu,” the man replied to Sindhu.

The local MP who arranged the reception for Sindhu protested when asked if the arrangements were over-the-top.

“See, first of all we didn’t know what Olympics is. Leave Olympics, we didn’t even know who Sindhu is. Yet, we arranged a grand welcome in such a short span of time. You should appreciate it,” the MP told our reporter.

Sindhu was later scheduled to play a mock badminton match with Andhra Pradesh chief minister Chandrababu Naidu, staged during an event to felicitate her.

The badminton star said she was so weary by now that she would use this opportunity to beat the shit out of Naidu in the match to entertain herself.

Since her Olympic feat, the two states Andhra Pradesh and Telangana have been vying to appropriate Sindhu as their own.

The Olympic star though had a simple answer to the question whom did she belong to. “Whoever leaves me alone right now,” said a visibly jaded Sindhu.

Nation rejoices as Sports Minister Vijay Goel’s selfies count exceeds US medal tally

As the country dissected its Olympics performance in Rio, Sports Minister Vijay Goel gave it a reason to cheer as he declared the number of selfies he took at Rio exceeded the number of medals won by the USA which topped the tally.

“200 selfies!” beamed an excited Goel as he finished counting. “That’s 100 times the medals we won. High five!”

Mr. Goel felt as a sports minister his performance could have been much better but he had to divide his precious time judiciously because of other menial responsibilities like providing athletes with moral support and other things.

“Thankfully, overall our athletes were mature and had a good understanding of the whims and fancies of politicians unlike foreign sportspersons. Hence I could somehow manage 200 clicks which included selfies with medal winners of other countries too,” said Goel.

But with success comes more responsibility. Mr. Goel is not yet ready to rest on his laurels. He is already geared up for 2020 Tokyo Olympics. “Our Prime Minister Narendra Modiji is a very demanding leader. He has already asked for a road map for the next Olympic games,” said the sports minister as he flaunted his selfie with a tired Usain Bolt near the finish line.

Asked about the Indian athletes’ performance in the just-concluded Olympics, Goel said he was surprised by the Indian contingent’s performance despite the existing hurdles set up by his own ministry.

“Hats off to these athletes. I mean how can anyone take this much of shit and still compete at the highest level?” said a blunt Goel.

Goel’s feat of taking record number of selfies has not just made India proud but forced sporting powers to take note.

The Unites States of America was stunned to learn about the Indian sports minister’s achievement. It is in fact planning to emulate India and appoint a sports minister for the first time in its history.

A US Olympic committee member said, “After all, what do we do with the surplus budgeted money that remains after spending on the athletes? With that surplus, we too can send a sports minister to the Olympics and boast of his achievements like India does.”

Revealed: Shah Rukh Khan was not detained, Dilwale DVDs from his baggage were confiscated!

Days after the US immigration officials completed a hat-trick of detaining Bollywood superstar Shah Rukh Khan at American airports, the real reason behind airport authorities’ action is now revealed.

Apparently the officials were wary that the superstar was coming with a baggage full of DVDs of his latest flick, Dilwale to promote the movie again in the country.

The authorities had received intelligence inputs from their Indian counterparts about the strategic movie by Khan. They term the result a success of Indian prime minister Narendra Modi’s outreach to the US during his latest visit there. One agreement that was reached during his visit was sharing sensitive information between the intelligence agencies which would flag any possibility that is detrimental to the security and peace of a country.

Dilwale, the American authorities say, had already troubled many citizens earlier when it was released. Since then the movie and its makers have been on the ‘watch list’ of the immigration officials (no pun intended!).

Shah Rukh Khan alleged discrimination against his movie. “If Salman Khan’s Prem Ratan Dhan Payo and Bodyguard can be tolerated in the US, why not Dilwale?” asked the frustrated superstar.

One of the immigration officials on condition of anonymity hinted there are indeed different yardsticks for different movie stars. “Even we love bhai,” said the official while recounting some of his favourite Salman movies which also included Prem Ratan Dhan Payo.

Hours later Shah Rukh was observed jumping dancing around in the VIP lounge. Many believed the actor was happy after catching some Pokemons as he claimed on Twitter.

But authorities claimed it was because he was allowed to carry Dilwale DVDs inside the country but on a condition that there would be warning stickers on them, saying “This movie may be harmful to your senses. Viewer’s discretion is required.

Shah Rukh gave a familiar reaction as he entered the USA finally,” Hamari filmo ki tarah, hamari zindagi mein bhi end tak sab kuch thik hi ho jaata hai … happy’s ending.”

Regular Pakistani panellist on The Newshour gives in, starts backing India

arnab

Arnab looking shocked as the Pakistani guest agreed to whatever he said on the show.

“If you can’t beat them, join them.” A retired Pakistani army officer, Nadir Khan learnt this philosophy after many of his unsuccessful appearances on Times Now’s prime time show The Newshour.

Khan, a regular panellist on the Arnab Goswami-hosted fiery show was earlier a staunch patriot who boasted of fighting two wars against India in his military career. But facing Arnab’s unstoppable verbal tirades, he would get astonished. “Which machine gun is this? It just doesn’t stop,” he would ask himself in astonishment after the show.

Despite repeated pleas by fellow countrymen to not to appear on the show, Khan would not budge and would take a vow to teach a lesson to the ‘loudmouth, arrogant’ anchor.

Khan was allowed to speak just one sentence in his first appearance, and that too was cut short by Arnab who flung a set of five ‘tough’ questions to the army man.

During the subsequent shows, Khan got the opportunity to complete his sentences but his machine gun-like provocations were countered by angry, pointed missile-like rejoinders of Maroof Raza.

In one of the shows, unable to handle General GD Bakshi’s unyielding yelling, Khan decided it was wise to drop the weapons and leave the show.

The trend continued and the panellist could not go beyond “listen to me, Arnab” which would always get cut short by “no, you listen to me, Mr. Khan!”.

Khan would often rehearse his lines hours before the show but could never deliver them when it mattered. His confidence started to crumble and he started to question himself.

Gradually, Khan went into depression and started to believe there is no weapon invented yet to take on the might of the one-man army that hosts The Newshour.

Doctors say he now suffers from Stockholm syndrome-like symptoms as he has now started to lean towards India. In one of the shows he agreed and nodded to all the points made by Arnab, even on Kashmir. “Whatever you think is right,” Khan replied to almost all questions with a sad smile on that show.

The news channel is now mulling not to invite the Pakistani panellist as he has started to sound more Indian than the Indian panellists which they fear would lower the TRPs of the show.

After the parrot’s arrest, migratory birds cancel India trip

In an amazing development, many migratory birds have decided against visiting India, ahead of the winter season.

This development took place after the recent news of a parrot being arrested in Maharashtra for allegedly ‘talking dirty’ to an elderly woman.

Shocked by the police arrest, many of the bird’s cousins from abroad held a meeting days before their scheduled flight to India. The birds in unison decided to avoid India in protest and visit some other countries with lenient laws.

“We cannot take a chance coming to India as suddenly the government there has started Implementing tougher laws,” said a flamingo. Earlier life used to be easy and we broke laws whenever and wherever desired. Now our acche din seems to be over”

The birds in their meeting also discussed other complaints related to India which among other things included Air India hitting them regularly in space like a duck hunt video game.

Some of the local birds who seemed to have developed friendship with their foreign friends said they will miss them sorely this winter. They feel India should be friendlier towards tourists and the philosophy ‘Athiti devo bhava’ should be extended towards all species.

A pale winter season looms large over the country with both the parliament and the nature not in a mood to function normally.