Will build a wall around Congress leaders to stop them from joining BJP: Rahul Gandhi

Following the defection of senior Congress leader Rita Bahuguna Joshi, the party vice president Rahul Gandhi has decided to build a wall around the senior party leaders till the UP elections early next year.

The key Congress leaders of the state will be basically confined to four walls of a room in an undisclosed location. They will be devoid of all communications except a hotline with the party headquarters.

Rahul hopes this move will prevent the ongoing defection of the party leaders that included the likes of Himanta Biswa Sarma and Vijay Bahuguna to the rival Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP) camp. According to sources, he also plans to visit the secret room from time to time to have lunch with those leaders like he does with voters during the election campaign.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” a Congress worker told The Unreal Times on the condition of anonymity. “This is a proactive measure to stop the leakage of talent from Congress. You see this move should once and for all end the debate on Rahul ji’s leadership.”

The Congress is quite relaxed about leaders using mobile phones from within the room to communicate with the outside world. They’re confident about the poor network connectivity of mobile phones in the remote areas of the state.

“This is the only occasion when we want to thank the Samajwadi Party for the lack of development in the state,” added the Congress worker sarcastically.

The BJP however is not really worried by the Congress’ stealthy move. The party president Amit Shah told The Unreal Times that the Congress leaders interested in joining the BJP need not worry as he can locate them successfully.

“I don’t know where you’re. But I will find you and I will induct you in the BJP,” Shah said as he turned the GPS on in his mobile phone.

Please treat my RSS remark as one of those which people ignore: Rahul Gandhi tells Supreme Court

Facing defamation charges for saying the RSS killed Mahatma Gandhi, the Congress vice president Rahul Gandhi persuaded the Supreme Court to drop the charges as his remark was “one of those which people generally ignore”.

In an emotional tone, Rahul pleaded that at times he says stuff that no one takes seriously. Then why this case was pursued with such fervour in the highest court of the land, he asked.

“Sometimes, I just say things…don’t take them all seriously,” Rahul told the apex court.

The Congress VP reminded the judge of all the things he said in the past but hardly anyone in the country had noticed.

“I once called India a beehive. Do you remember my lord?” asked Rahul. “No one cared two hoots about that. Actually, it had a lot of depth if you think about it…anyways you get my point, right?”

The judge replied, “Wait, you lost me there for a moment. So India is a beehive?”

“No, my lord. I mean, yes my lord…wait, don’t take my point seriously, my lord!”

“Which point?”

“The point about my points.”

“Uff! This is way too confusing. The court is adjourned till the next hearing.”

Legal experts felt Rahul may be cleared in the case now that he cited some of his earlier incomprehensible comments. Rahul’s lawyer Kapil Sibal too looked confident of the case getting quashed.

According to Sibal, reciting the past questionable comments to prove innocence in the present comments case may ultimately give Rahul a ‘zero loss’ advantage, legally.

“He has nothing to lose now,” a beaming Sibal told reporters, flashing a V-sign.

When asked if it was time for Rahul to be elevated as the Congress President, Sibal flashed a V-sign again.

Political experts say the ‘V’ in the second V-sign may be tricky as it could have meant ‘vice president’, i.e. the party wants Rahul to continue as the vice president and not become its president.

Rahul was later asked by reporters which of his comments in future should be taken seriously.

To which he replied, “It’s simple. Whenever I roll up my sleeves during speeches and start a sentence with bhaiyya, understand that I am being serious.”

Rahul Gandhi found, busy planning attack on govt over Budget 2016

The Congress vice-president Rahul Gandhi, who was conspicuous by his absence as the new Parliament session began, has been finally located.

The Gandhi scion was spotted at the vacant Congress headquarters in Delhi, busy planning a counter-strategy to the BJP government’s 2016 budget a few days ahead of the 2015 budget.

According to sources, the Congress leader, who likes to work ahead of time, was seen rehearsing a few speeches in a room, screaming at himself in a mirror. At times, he even balked at his own suggestions during the speech to complete the two sides of an argument.

The party sources say the Budget 2016 is just a minor step in Rahul’s grand plan. He is also working on the 2019 Lok Sabha elections, and is chalking out plans to revive the Congress party across the country. Shadow-boxing, staring angrily at Prime Minister’s Narendra Modi’s picture and hitting arrows towards a dartboard that had Arvind Kejriwal’s picture printed on it were some of the strategies adopted by Rahul in his training session.

One method of anti-government protest that Rahul was seen very enthusiastic about was staging a walk-out. He carried out the activity again and again at an increasing pace each time until he could convince himself of being capable of staging a walk-out in a few seconds, not giving Parliamentary Affairs minister Venkaiah Naidu any chance of catching him while doing so.

When the day’s training schedule ended, the Congress vice-president took a nap at the party office itself. It remains unclear whether that was part of the Parliamentary training or not.